In This Life

A farewell to what it was and what it could have been

In this life I met you on a warm December day, walking in front of my work every day, and I noticed every time your pretty face crossed the street. Until a cold rainy night under the thunder and lightning, I stood in front of you, wet hair and shaking, asking if you would come to dinner with me. In that moment you saw me as if I came from another planet, three seconds, and then you said yes. Immediately you put your umbrella over me, and after a couple of hamburgers I knew you were the person I always looked for. One dinner and the boxes were all checked.

In this life you picked me up after work to go walking around town, losing ourselves in the colorful streets, sometimes going to the beach to hear the ocean and watch the moon, while the words came to both of us without forcing them. Talks about everything and nothing, funny memories, dreams, ambitions, and who we were and who we wanted to be.

In this life every night we would go for dinner at this restaurant that you loved, where it was warm and the smell of oil and fat surrounded us but the food was great, where the waiter always smiled to see us arriving again, where she already knew what we always ordered. you with your steak and me with my fried bananas. The world seemed to stop every night at that small place and nothing else mattered, just you and me.

In this life we danced on the beach under the storm, the music was blasting and for five minutes the world stopped. We weren’t dancing in the rain, we were just existing together. If someone would ask me what eternity is, I would always answer with this moment. Five minutes turned into a lifetime and, as ephemeral as it was, we will always have eternity in those five minutes.

In this life you flew me through the world to meet you in your city — eleven hours in a flying can imagining our life together, our future, nervous to meet your family and friends but with the illusion and wish of this being the first step to our life. You showed me your world.

In this life we had the summer of my life, walking around your beautiful city that you so loudly dislike, and I find that really funny. Going dancing in your favorite places and walking home on the cold summer nights of the UK. We visited a beautiful mansion where apparently Jane Austen wrote her novels and where our favorite painter did most of his work.

In this life you took us to London and I showed you my favorite places, told you how every time I see the Big Ben I cry because this feeling of amazement never gets old. We walked across St James Park hand in hand while in the other we had ice creams melting. I showed you my favorite paintings in my favorite museums, we discovered coffee shops. In this trip I showed you my soul and what my happiness looked like.

In this life you showed me many things about myself. In this life we saw part of the world together. In this life you were the first man to teach me how being treated as a human instead of a toy felt.

In this life I showed you my heart, I opened myself to you completely, I trusted you, I loved you

No, I love you.

In this life, after one year and two months of knowing each other, you told me what I refused to hear.

In this life we can have everything but not the thing I always thought we had “US.”

In this life “US” can’t exist.

In this life love is not in our cards.

But maybe in another life.

I guess we will never know.